We’ve all been through breakups in relationships and thus have all had our friends give us their views on how we should handle it. I would like to go through the list of tips I have been given throughout my breakups and explain why I find it all to be a load of shit. (These tips aren’t in any particular order, just writing them off the top of the dome.)
“Don’t call him, let him call you.” Bullshit rule number one. Now, while I agree that you shouldn’t blow his phone up, I feel that if it is in your heart to call…call! He can only do one of two things: answer or not answer. Just prepare yourself for either case. If he doesn’t answer, don’t take it personally. Even if you have to come up with your own scenario to lessen the blow, do that. I remember calling an ex one time, and when he didn’t answer, instead of feeling like he was avoiding my phone call, I just created a story in my mind of him being in a meeting or working out or not having his phone around, and I continued on with my day. Even though he may have in fact been avoiding my call, I know the unhealthy disadvantages of dwelling on that possibility so I choose instead to occupy my mind with beautiful lies!
Another thing to keep in mind is exactly why it is that you are calling. If you are calling to give him additional grief on what a piece of shit he is, or how painfully devastated by the breakup you are, may I suggest you save that rant for your diary. The last thing a man likes to be reminded of is how he messed up, and he certainly doesn’t want to hear you crying. The blame game and sob story should never extend too far past the day of the offense. Continuing to point the finger and crying over what “he did to you” is unnecessary and again, totally unhealthy. But, if you are calling because you just want to say hello, or you need to pick up that pair of blue jeans you left at his place, then there is no reason to play the stubborn “I am not going to call him unless he calls me” game…just call, dammit.
“Girl, you need to move on; he doesn’t deserve you.” I always feel the urge to put a bullet in the head of each person who tells me this. This is actually a two part bullshit rule…I will focus on the moving on part first.
To the people who give such advice…let me just speak for all of my fellow heartbroken freshly separated from their object of affection sisters when I say “kiss my black ass.” (Or, depending on your ethnic background, “my Asian ass”, “my Caucasian ass”, “my Hispanic ass”…you get the picture.) It’s obvious that when you break up with someone, you will eventually move on…so we don’t need for you to tell us that this is what we NEED to do. That’s number one.
Number two…don’t tell us that we need to move on as if this is something that can happen overnight. “Girl, you need to move on.” “Okay, done.” Never has been that simple; never will be. And you also have to take into consideration the sensitivity level of the person you are talking to. What if they don’t WANT to move on? What if they want to work things out? You have to support your friend in whichever way they choose to deal with their breakup. Now, if the ex was someone who used to pistol whip your homegirl for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then you may actually have to step in, pack her bags and help her to relocate from this fool…that and/or drag his abusive ass to some counseling/anger management classes. But don’t be so quick to tell you girl to move on from someone she loves…if you feel that this is what she needs to do, then help her to do it instead. Invite her out for lunch or dinner. Take her to see that movie she’s wanted to watch. Suggest a dance or music class. Instead of giving her advice, help her live your advice. Words are meaningless without accompanying action…so unless you plan on helping your sister girl to “move on”, keep your raggedy ass opinions to yourself.
Now as far as the “deserving” part is concerned…who the hell are you to say what or who someone else deserves!? I think that Kahlil Gibran said it best when he wrote in “The Prophet”: “Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and nights is worthy of all else from you.” Just because someone may not “deserve” love and understanding and compassion from you, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give it. Oftentimes, it is these “undeserving” individuals who need to be given the most! Okay, so let’s say that this guy cheated on you, calls you out of your name, or any other example of cruel offenses…only YOU know and can decide how much you will take and give to this person. No one else has the right to tell you what it is that you deserve or what the person you are with deserves. I feel that all offenses, all forms of hate, so to speak, can only be combated with love. It seems to be so much easier and sadly, more accepted, to respond to such let-downs with equal hate and disrespect but what benefit will this have for you in the end? Keep this one thing in mind: everyone you interact with deserves from you exactly what you feel that you deserve from them…point blank period. You continue to give out what you wish to receive back…that’s what really makes the world go ‘round.
“Treat him mean, keep him keen!” This is actually a book title…I saw it in Virgin Bookstore the other day and I wanted to burn it on the spot. Quite similar to the book “Why Men Love/Marry Bitches”. These books operate on the premise that if you treat a man like shit, this is what will make him come crawling back to you. There have been testimonies that this form of voodoo actually works but I personally feel like if my going beneath myself and treating someone wrong is what will make this person want to be with me, then this isn’t quite the type of person that I want to be with. If a man takes my kindness as a weakness and allows it to push him away, then so be it. I am not going to get all bitchy on him in hopes that he will be mine once again. It’s just not in me to do that, and if having a loving heart will be the one “flaw” that keeps me single, well then…I am fine with that! Again, only we as individuals know how much we are willing to give and able to take…and while I am far from being a pushover, I actually find it difficult to treat people unkindly, regardless of how they treat me. Not sure if that attitude is a blessing or a curse but it makes me feel good about myself as a person and that’s all that matters.
“You can’t really transition from one thing to the next without there being some gap in between.” This is actually a piece of bullshit given to me by one of my exes. This is related to the day old idea that time will heal all wounds and seal all of those nasty cans of worms. I for one, don’t believe wholeheartedly in this and maybe it’s the hopeful romantic in me speaking when I say that I don’t have time to wait for time to make things better. Like Dallas Tamaira sang in his song “Del Fuego”, I too am “aimlessly devoted to the moment”. I feel that the only time we have to make things right is right now!
Life is too short for us to hold grudges and continuously dwell on everything that went wrong in the relationship. One key thing in all relationships is the fact that there was a friendship involved as well. And if we, as a bunch of grown ass people, cannot move past the hurts and wrongs in order to keep the friendship alive, well…again, I just find that to be a crock of bullshit. In my experience, however, I have found that this is often made difficult…not because of how emotionally attached I may have been to my ex, but because HE is normally too stubborn to get over himself enough to accept my advances of friendship. “Oh, I don’t think that we can be friends because you are still really into me,” I had one bunshole tell me before. Umm, really? You serious about that? Actually, let me move that one down to bullshit rule number whatever…
“I don’t think we can be friends because you are still really into me.” Another crock of shit fed to me by an ex. And as I began before, “Umm, really? You serious about that?” I even had a guy tell me that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out because I’d told him a few days prior that I missed him. I hate to sound like a male-basher right now, but some men really are “stucking fupid” (trying to decrease my extensive use of the “f-word”) Okay, so because I tell you that I miss you then I MUST be soooo completely caught up over you to where if and when we do hang out, I am going to spend the whole time sitting shiva and giving you my “why oh why did you do this to us” look…right? I became really annoyed when he told me that actually because he made me feel, for a moment, that I was wrong for missing him. I immediately shook that idea off as I know that my missing” him was a normal human reaction to “transitioning from one thing to the next” over a period of days. You can’t spend four months practically living with someone to spending weekends alone without missing those times you had together before…dumbass.
It’s not about being “still really into someone”…it’s about acknowledging the fact that you were friends before and that you are mature enough to rise above the past mistakes and let-downs to atleast be able to be cordial and respectful to one another. And it’s quite funny to me, and again, I am speaking from my own personal experience, but it seems that while men think that it is us women who are the overly emotional and attached figures in the relationship, it is actually the other way around! I think the real reason why he felt that we couldn’t be friends is because he was the one still REALLY INTO ME! So ladies, don’t fret…I know we can get really upset because we feel as if he doesn’t care and never cared because he acts so indifferent and nonchalant and gives the brush-off but the reality of it all my darlings, is that he is hurting far worse than we are…that thought actually made me smile a bit just now! And actually reminds me of bullshit rule number…what number are we on?
(Note: I have noticed that I have slyly shifted from discussing “advice” given by friends to “excuses” given by exes…sorry, that’s just how my mind works…I told you before, I’m just writing off the top of the dome.)
“Perhaps if I treat her with indifference and nonchalance, she will just move on from me more quickly.” This one has been ripped from the Men’s Unwritten Rule Book on How to Deal in Relationships and I personally think that this is the biggest load of bullshit of them all. I even had a guy actually admit this to me; he was like, “I know I have been treating you like shit and I suppose I did this to push you away.” Boys, boys, boys…listen to your mother speaking here: if you want her to go away, tell her. It will be painful for her to hear that you want the relationship to be over but not nearly as painful as her having to deal with you treating her like a dick. And once the relationship is in fact over, is it really necessary for you to continue to treat her like a dick by making her feel as if you don’t even care; that you are unaffected; that you have already moved on and don’t miss her and don’t think about her and are not reminded of her in the most inopportune moments throughout the day? Seriously, dudes…stop kidding yourself. And ladies, don’t fall for it. He does care, girl…he does miss you…he hasn’t moved on…he does think about you, and quite often at that…he really IS human after all…although he may appear to act like a damn emotionless robot.
Okay, so there is a lot more to this whole thing but I am suffering from writer’s fatigue so I will pick up with this a bit later. I will end on this note, however: to those of you who give advice, always consider how you would deal with the situation were you in that person’s shoes before you shoot off your tips. And to those of you receiving the advice, always listen to your heart before listening to your friends…the heart is more reliable anyway. And to you men…get over yourself…it’s not impossible to be friends with your ex…try to stop being a dick for five minutes and you will see just how easy it is…but that’s just my raggedy ass opinion! :p
So yea, we have all been there. Boy meets girl-boy likes girl-girl likes boy-boy wants to get to know girl better-girl says why not, besides she’s single now-boy invites over to chill out-girl doesn’t mind that chill out leads to make out-boy doesn’t mind that make out leads to more chil out-girl doesn’t mind that more chill out leads to more smiles-boy doesn’t mind that more smiles leads to even more chill out which leads even more make out-girl begins to develop special feelings-boy begins to develop special feelings-girl begins to think that she may have hooked a mature one-boy begins to become nervous about the special feelings he’s developed-girl maintains honesty and loyalty in the relationship-boy begins to show signs of mistrust and mixed feelings-girl begins to suffer as a result of boy’s insecurities-boy begins to doubt how he feels and looks for a way out-girl picks up on this but feels that he’s wrong as she understands what he is going through and why-boy doesn’t know what he wants: a big part feels that this could be a keeper; a small part feels that there is a safer option out there for him…one that doesn’t involve love.
Then Claire started playing with him a bit...she let him swing from her shower curtain rod! And he played a bit of dress-up!
