Dear Dating Diary, Entry #7: Dating Blunder #1:”Wrong moves on the dance floor…”

So it seems that the excitement in which I entered into this dating realm has turned just as quickly to indifference. I have found that as much as I do love men (in general) my tolerance for them has become very low over the course of my having to deal with their isht. So I am now at a stage where ONE slip-up can get your name crossed off of my to-do list.

I will give you an example.

Doha is small. And sometimes you may very well show up at a party with one guy friend only to find another one or two of your other guy friends also present. (Guy friends meaning guys you hang out with and/or date…not sleep with…not in this context anyway…)

Well this happened to me this weekend. I went to a nightclub with a friend and saw another fellow there that I’d gone out with a couple of times before. Now there were no awkward feelings or anything as there is nothing intimate taking place with either of them but there was something that happened that yielded a red card for one.

My friend and I were chilling in the VIP section with our buddies and the “other fellow” came to ask me to dance…or rather pulled my arm towards the dance floor.

My friend knew who he was and wasn’t bothered by it; however, I was a bit bothered as he’d already asked me to dance before and I declined; PLUS, as per last date goodbyes, this night of dancing had been previously reserved for he and I. Thankfully, I am not the kind of girl who sits around and waits for men to make or confirm plans…I still “do what I woant!”

So once we got on the dance floor, I reminded “other fellow” of the original plans we’d made and that his texting me when he’d already arrived to the club to ask me if I was coming was not the same as us going together. And so since we hadn’t come together, he would only get one dance after which I would keep enjoying myself with the friends I was there with.

What did this ___________ have the AUDACITY to say??

He took a step back and said, “Look around you! A-hee-a-hee-a-hee (goofy laugh)! You have the best view in the house!“

Ummm, really? So I did look around me…I saw cute ex-boyfriend and his buddies who I ADORE to my right…cute friend I came with partying with more of my cute friends behind me…things to the left were a bit blurry, what with my eye condition and all, and then in front of me this conceited little shit who, in my interpretation, was telling me in so many words, that I should feel honored to be this close to him while he struggles with those awful dance moves.

So I looked again back at the VIP section where my friend was and said to “other fellow”, “I don’t like this song…and the view is better back there.” Then I politely escorted him back to his seat and spent the remainder of the night partying with my peoples.

His comment tripped me out, though. I mean, is he really that arrogant? What was I supposed to have said? “Oh my gosh, you are so right. You are so hot that I have to ditch all of my friends and spend the whole night doing the snake and dancing off-beat with you! YESSSSSS!!!!“

Um. No. That isht may work with these thirsty biatches around here but I am already well-nourished, boo-boo. Funny thing is, I saw him the next day at a party as well, and once again, he tried to come and snatch me up from my friends so that he can revel in my presence. This time I was a bit more firm in reminding him that I was there enjoying myself beautifully just where I was and that I’d holla at him in passing.

But what amazed me the most was how quickly all interest in him dissolved. I mean, true enough, there was never any plans of pursuing an intimate relationship with him. The times we have gone out, though, have been very enjoyable. But now I’m wondering if I even want to go out with a person who feels that he is the best thing this city has to offer.

I don’t know, man…as much as I love a free meal and good conversation, the overall giddyness I felt when and about hanging out with this man truly did die with his assumption that I should be satisfied enough with merely being in his presence. Or maybe I just took it the wrong way…

And maybe he was just drunk. He probably doesn’t even remember saying it.  I think the best thing I can do is to be honest with him about how his comment and actions made me feel and then take it from there. What do you all think? Give another chance should the opportunity arise, or leave him to his conceit and dodgy dance moves?

Holla at your guuuuuuuuuuuuuurl!!

 

Dear Dating Diary, Entry #6: “To wait or not to wait…that is the question…”

So the other day, I was having lunch with a friend and I was telling him about my new journey into the dating world. We spoke about my relationship past and told him of my decision to take things a lot more slowly this go ’round as I want my next intimate encounter to be with someone I love not just someone I like or am merely  sexually attracted to.

This isn’t to say that I am jumping on the whole “I’m (now) saving it for marriage” mumbo jumbo as I realize that it’s a liiiiiiiiiil too late for that. However, I have learned that even “innocent” cuddling and fondling and groping and such, is a bit meaningless if there are no feelings involved.

Not only that, but I think that holding back on the intimacy from the beginning makes for a more solid foundation when building a relationship; and strong relationships are long relationships…and I personally would like to have something that lasts over 6 months, thank you very much.

Well, these views of mine sparked a bit of a debate as my friend disagreed with my theories. He told me that it doesn’t matter if you make out within five minutes or five months of meeting someone…one is not more meaningful than the other and it doesn’t determine the final outcome of the relationship.

In his view, as far as relationship outcomes are concerned, it is highly possible to have a long-lasting beautiful love relationship with a person who you made out with on the first date…just as its possible to flop with a partner who you took it slowly with.

I had to agree with him there. I’ve had enjoyable relationships with a first date make-out and with someone who dated me for two years before we were ever intimate. While I loved them both, obviously both relationships ended; and, in comparing the two, I cannot readily deduce that the timing in which we “tussled about” had any effect on the longevity or intensity of the relationship. So he got +1 point for that part of his argument.

But I fully disagree with his claim that one is not more meaningful than the other. When it comes to “meaningfulness”, I think it is more so an issue of how you feel about YOURSELF at the end of it all than how you feel about the other person.

We are human. We are not flawless.  We live in a highly-sexed world where we have become highly-sexed individuals. In other words, we’re a bunch of horny mo-fos whether we want to hide under the facade of “lil mis(ster) innocent” or not, so its natural for us to slip into the impromptu make-out session every once in a while.

The question is, however, how do you feel afterward? Does it make you feel good? If so, then honey, do what you do. But I will never forget the time I got upset after I made out with a guy.

I actually started crying! And it wasn’t because of him…he was fine. For what it was, it was enjoyable. A few hours later,  though, I felt sick to my stomach. This is when I knew things had to change significantly for me.

(By the way, when I say make-out session, I am not referring to sexual intercourse…I’m talking about the touchy feely stuff you do beforehand.)

If I got this bothered by just making out, I don’t want to think of how I would have felt had I slept with him.  But in the way I see things now, I may as well should have!

Sex is about the sharing of your body, exploration, experimentation, conquering. It encompasses everything from kissing to hugging to cuddling to everything else (trying to keep it PG here), and it’s meant be sacred, divine, experienced only with those deemed worthy.

So whether its kiss kiss or bang bang, it’s still a precious act that should be treated with absolute care. Our bodies are holy temples, our personal homes, if you will…and you wouldn’t just let anybody into your home, would you?

Plus, I lost interest in the guy after I made out with him. One of the things I enjoy most about new relationships is how the anticipation for that first kiss builds up the more you two hang out and spend QT together. If you experience it all on the first go ’round, what have you to look forward to then?

When I asked my friend how he would feel about a woman who “gave it up” on the first date as opposed to a woman he had to take out a few times before even getting a first kiss, he became silent. I thought this was because he was contemplating some beautiful description of how much more respect he would have for the woman who waited but instead he said, “I’ve never had to take a woman out a few times before kissing her.“

Sigh. Men.

So I asked him to imagine what would he think of the woman who made him wait. To this he replied, “I would think she’s a tease who is both wasting her time and mine.“

(Discussions with guys with mentalities such as this frustrate me. I know my friend, though…at this point he was just trying to provoke me, the turd.)

When asked why he felt it a waste of time, he said that we all know what we want so what’s the point in delaying the inevitable.  He feels that the entire objective of dating is sex anyway, so why wait? “If the feeling is there, there is nothing wrong with acting on it, even if it is in the first few hours of meeting,” he said.

Again, I partially agreed. I am all for going with the flow but I think that going there in the first few hours is a bit extreme and dare I say…slutty? I mean, at least learn his last name first, geez!

And while I do not think that girls who make out on the first date are slutty, I do think that there is a lot more to be said for the lady who waits.

Regardless of how the other person perceives us, as I mentioned earlier, its about how we feel about ourselves. I know I don’t want to feel that same shit feeling I had after my last move too soon. And as I am now dating MEN as opposed to  seeing a MAN, I certainly can’t be making out with all of them.

In the end, its all about self-respect. The worth we place on ourselves is more attractive than any other outwardly beauty we possess. I mean, some things are fun when you are young but there comes a time where we have to put childish things aside and approach situations as adults.

There was a deeper reason why I got upset that night; I know it was God’s way of telling me that I’m too old for this isht. Again, our bodies are holy and pure and should be treated like a sacred treasure! So he can talk about how pretty your lips are and how slender your neck is and how perfect your earlobes are all he wants…looking is free for all; but touching should be reserved for the someone branded “special”!

And don’t worry, ladies…I hope you know that not all men think like my friend; not all men think that waiting is a tease. My friend doesn’t even really think this and as I said was trying to provoke me, I found in the end, to “give (me) something to write about“! :p

He later told me, that while he does truly believe that we should act on our feelings, men really do appreciate the woman who they’ve yet to discover! He also told me to point out that not all men think that women who give it up on the first date are sluts…I think I want to start a poll on that.

But to conclude and sum up my argument, there is a song called “Be Still” by Big Boi and Janelle Monae in which she sings,

“Be still, young heart…never will you fall apart. Be wise, my dear…you must learn to just be still until you really really know. Show me you’re right…shine your light. I wonder when will I know…“

And this is just what we should do. Be still and take our fill of each other’s light until we feel that it is right to take the next step. When will you know? Who knows…until then: KISS = keep it sacred, silly!

But this is just what I think…hit me on the comment box for YOUR take on the sitchiation!

Happy days to you all! <3 K

Dear Dating Diary, Entry #5: “Welcome to the world of self-dating…”

On a previous entry, I mentioned that if dates come far and few between, then you have to do things to maintain your good vibes! You have to keep yourself so occupied with self-fulfilling activities that you don’t even have time to think about whether or not such and such is going to call you or if perhaps you will meet a nice guy at this weekend’s function.

No, ladies… screw the guys! Well, not screw the guys but…you know…forget about them for a while! Our number one priority is ourselves and if we can’t go out and have a nice time with a guy then dammit, we are just going to have to go out and have a good time alone!

“Go out alone?” you may ask, “How lame is that?” Not lame at all! I read one blog entry where the author lists “taking yourself out on a date” as one of 100 ways to make the world a better place!

This is a very understandable concept. Making time for yourself enables you to encompass a more positive energy and when you are enveloped with positivity, you can’t help but to spread it to those around you!

So for those of you not already hip to the game, it’s time to engage in the act of self-dating! Treat yourself to lunch; enjoy a day at the spa; lounge poolside with a cocktail; visit an art museum! The possibilities are endless!

Chillin' by my lovelysome at the Badeschiff in Berlin, July 2010

Basically, just imagine all the things you like to go out and do with your buddies or partner…and now imagine doing these things on your own! The experience (of actually doing, not simply imagining) is very rewarding!

Those of you quite accustomed to socializing in groups or pairs may find the self-date a bit difficult at first. But just think of how much more fun you’d be around others when you can learn how to enjoy yourself alone!

Now, I know all to well the feeling of self-consciousness when showing up places by yourself. Seems like everyone is looking at you and thinking, “Damn, how pathetic is she? She couldn’t find a date…doesn’t she have any friends? She must be so lonely!”

Well, relax ladies (and gents, if you’re reading). I mean, true enough, there may be some shallow people who think this and to such mind-sets, you should award them a temporary lip spot on your bum!

I came across another blog page entry entitled “Is A Woman Eating Alone An Act of Bravery?” I was all for the author’s point at first. She’d become astounded because  of her friend’s reaction to her dining alone. The friend made the comment that others may think she was a loser. But the author fought back:  “Why would I care about what people I don’t and will never see again think?” she asked.

I admired her fortitude and was ready to give her a virtual high five… until she concluded her argument writing that it’s only acceptable to eat alone during the day and that she’d rather starve than dine solo on a Saturday. Fail.

Personally,  whether it’s day or night, weekday or weekend, I find people who roll on the scene solo very intriguing, confident and sure of themselves. They are people who can enjoy their time alone and don’t mind showing it!

So if they’re anything like me, if people are looking, it’s out of a harmless curiosity. And I suppose many are glancing at’cha because you’re so darned attractive, you little vixen you!

Out for a Thai lunch on Kings St. in Sydney, March 2008

Still, I go on self-dates all the time; particularly when I travel, as I always travel alone. And although I describe self-daters as confident and sure in my sight, as the self-dater, I do sometimes feel a bit self-conscious.

For example, last week, I took myself to lunch at the Doha Golf Club. I’d invited a few people to join me but everyone was tied up so I decided to go alone. When I walked in, I felt awkward at first because naturally, I got a few side glances.

However, I didn’t let what I felt briefly on the inside show even for a moment on the outside. Instead, held my head up and sat down with an air of comfort and relaxation about myself.

This act very quickly became a reality, as it does every time I take myself out, and before I knew it, I felt as if I was in my element…as if I go there alone all the time!

'Tis I...on a self-date in Istanbul, April 2010...out for lunch, wine and shisha!

Now, I will admit, the lunch/dinner self-dates are probably the most boring of all as there aren’t any other distractions…unless you are in a restaurant with a live band or Chippendale dancers or something. So I always bring a book or magazine with me and I never ever ever leave home without my notepad and ink pen!

Reading and writing are not only great ways to keep you stimulated during these type of isolated self-dates, but they also allow opportunities to engage in very healthy outlets. What better way to clear and/or expand your mind! That’s my idea of quality time alone well spent!

Reading "The Goddess Experience" while out for lunch December 2009

As a more “involved” alternative, I also enjoy attending concerts put on by the Qatar Philharmonic Orchestra and I try to catch the odd play or opera here and there. Last year, I attended seminars for the Doha Film Festival! I love going on these type of self-dates because not only do I have a culturally stimulating time but I also see such interesting people.

Now, I know this is supposed to be time for yourself but still what better place to meet people than places where you can find those who share interests with you other than getting tipsy at a pub?

You will notice, though, I wrote that I see interesting people…not meet them. Thing with me is,  with my slight self-consciousness comes also a shyness that prevents me from, gulp, approaching beautiful strangers…unless of course, I’m a few margaritas in! However, I want that kind of energy when I am sober-minded as well! But I digress…

Point is, some self-dates have the potential to lead you to a sweet personal connection here and there. Not that you should be out mate-stalking on your alone time, but hey, if you’re going to meet someone, places like gallery openings and contemporary music performances aren’t bad places to link up!

Bike Tour, Barcelona, April 2009; perfect s-d for meeting peeps!

In my travels, I have found that participating in guided tours and culture courses are also self-date options that include great opportunities for new bonds. I love going on bike treks through the city and attended cooking classes in both Spain and Istanbul.

Can’t report that I came across any cuties in the process but I met cool people all the same. And in case you didn’t know, meeting cool people = wave of positive energy. Aaaaaah!

Posing at the Sarnic Hotel Cooking Class in Istanbul, April 2010

Other self-dates I have taken myself on include going to Cafe Ceramique for a bit of lunch and pottery painting (it’s not just for kids, you know); ordering myself takeout and going for a mini-picnic on the Corniche; even getting a nice music playlist together and going for long drives around the city in my Sparkle-bug! Nothing much to any of it but enjoyable nonetheless!

On the flip side, spending time with yourself doesn’t always have to extend past your front door! You can have a self-date right in the comfort of your own home!

Light your candles, get your aromatherapy working over time. Prepare yourself a delicious meal. Pop in a good movie. And make sure there is plenty of ice cream in the freezer!

Set aside an afternoon or evening to pamper yourself at home. Full on manicures and pedicures, bubble baths, hot oil treatments, deep-cleansing facials. I even like to play dress-up from time to time! :p

Or you can engage in a creative self-date…make a scrapbook, paint a portrait, choreograph a dance routine (my favorite!)…again, the possibilities are endless…just use your imagination!

The key to this whole self-date thing is to keep yourself occupied with things that ease and stimulate your mind, enhance your creativity and boost your sense of self!

This is especially important when you are single because…well, it can get a bit lonely! But solitude is said to be a very powerful weapon and the last thing we need to do is to allow our loneliness to turn that weapon against us.

So get up off your lonely, I mean, lovely bum and go and do something good for, to, and with yourself! You won’t regret it…and won’t have to worry about the after-date phone call in the morning! Bonus!

The 5 C’s of Dysfunctional Dating by Ande Fanning

So you’ve finally found someone. Congratulations! No more dinners for one or Friday nights alone. All is well. Or is it?

In all that lovebird excitement, you may have unknowingly stumbled into one of the Five C’s—unhealthy dating pitfalls common to all couples. If you avoid them, you and your sweetie will have a better shot at success. But if you find yourself stuck in a C, you might be in an unhealthy relationship headed for the rocks. Read on to see if any of the Five C’s describe you.

Coupling Syndrome

When Bonnie met Clyde, something sparked, and the two became inseparable. Perhaps their infamous lives of crime could have been avoided if they had taken some time for themselves rather than falling into one of the most classic dating blunders—too much togetherness. New relationships typically thrive on that magnetic draw, but it’s important to maintain your identity. If not, other parts of your life—such as friendships, career focus, and your walk with God—may begin to suffer, not to mention the relationship itself.

Blake, a 30-something banker from Indianapolis says, “When you’re around someone [who] you really like all the time, you tend to leave the analytical side of your brain at home and become sort of deaf and blind to their faults. It may seem great, but over time, I think you get on each other’s nerves more quickly because there’s not any distance. Plus, being together 24/7 can take you to a place of intensity and intimacy that really isn’t very healthy at all.”

If people have begun to merge you and your sweetie into one, dubbing you something like “Bennifer” or “TomKat,” take this as a sign that you’re together too much. Be sure to make time to invest in yourself, which will actually make you a better person and therefore improve your relationship.

Codependent Conundrum

If you’ve been dating for months or even years, your significant other probably plays an important role in your life, but is it the right role? Boyfriends and girlfriends are not the same as husbands and wives, but they often get stuck with that level of expectation. Maybe you count on him to make all the decisions in your life; maybe you look to her for laundry duty. And while occasional help in those areas isn’t necessarily a bad thing, you still need to concentrate on getting your own life in order rather than relying on someone else to do it for you.

Usually, the independent mindset changes gradually—that’s what happened to 20-something designer Stella from New York. “I never noticed it happening over the course of the three years we dated, but my friends and family kept trying to tell me we were in way too deep,” she says of her former boyfriend. “I counted on him for too many things, and I ended up at his place a couple of times a week to cook and clean, like it was my job or something. We completely ruined what started as a good thing because we treated it like a marriage rather than a dating relationship.”

According to Drs. Les and Leslie Parrott, founders of RealRelationships.com, not all relational expectations are bad. “They are present whether we want them to be or not,” says Les. “We all enter and maintain a relationship with expectations about how we should be treated, what kinds of conversations we will have, and so on. The key is to make your expectations intentional. That is, be conscious about what you want from the relationship.”

Crash Courting

As you begin walking hand in hand with that special someone, it’s easy to drift off the path you were walking with the Lord. Little by little, priorities can change as your world starts to revolve around that person and not God. All your attention is poured into pleasing your suitor until everything else begins to suffer. And if the romance ends, you crash hard.

Stephen, a 30-something landscape developer from Fayetteville, Tenn., saw his world crumble when his longtime girlfriend abruptly broke things off. In the aftermath he realized he had dedicated all of his energy and focus to making her happy. Nothing else had mattered, and so after the breakup, he was left with nothing—a mistake he does not want to repeat. As tempting as it is to dote on your partner, keep this realization in mind: There is only One who will never let you down. Spending time with Him and growing closer to His heart is the only surefire way to ignite your life with renewed purpose whether you’re in or out of love with another person.

Crossed Boundaries

With hearts a’fire and hormones raging, dating boundaries often get blurred or banished, but they are the hallmark of successful pairings, say Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend, authors of Boundaries in Dating. “Healthy boundaries are the to key to preserving freedom, responsibility, and ultimately love in your dating life. Establishing and keeping good limits can do a great deal to not only cure a bad relationship, but make a good one better,” they write.

Marie and Edwin, both divorced and in their early 50s, have been dating for three years and intentionally put boundaries into practice. “She was very upfront about her situation and about things that would and would not happen between us, like about how much time she needed for herself and for other commitments,” Edwin shares. “It was great! It took the pressure off of us so we could really get to know each other.”

“We follow the guidelines we set for our relationship in the beginning, based on God’s will and plan for our lives,” Marie adds. “We had to decide our stand on things like moving in together or sharing finances. Even when the lines are firmly set, we have to decide to follow them; otherwise, what’s the point in even having them?”

Crazy Compromise

While treaties and truces often save the day, compromising isn’t always the best tactic. When it comes to giving in to his craving for Italian food over yours for Thai, all is well, but when it concerns deeper issues or becomes an all-the-time part of your togetherness, there’s a problem.

Maybe you love to go to the movies, and she can’t stand the theater. After three months without catching a flick, it’s time to evaluate the situation. Ask yourself, Am I losing my identity or a part of myself that I value? Even if you’re madly in love, you shouldn’t give up your interests just because the other person doesn’t happen to share them. Take a stand, and see how your sweetie reacts. Healthy couples are OK with letting each other pursue their own passions.

James, a 40-something dentist from Decatur, Ala., says that while he was dating his now-wife, they agreed to try some of the other’s hobbies but also maintained singular interests like golf for him and knitting for her. “I love her for many reasons, and they include her extensive “I Love Lucy” collection as well as her interest in folk art,” he says. “I may not like those things, but they are part of what makes her wonderful.”

Now that you’ve assessed your relationship according to the Five C’s, you’re better equipped to see the signs of encroaching dysfunction and also to maintain a healthy romance. Be honest with yourself and take action to improve the areas of your relationship that need work, or as difficult as it may be, move on. No matter what, always strive for individual health as much as you focus on your relationship. “The most important thing you can do in any relationship is work on who you are in the context of it,” Les says. “The healthier you are, the more likely you are to have a growing relationship.”

(Source: http://threadsmedia.com/life/article/the-5-cs-of-dysfunctional-dating/)

Dear Dating Diary, Entry #4: What IS dating?

According to Wikipedia: Dating is a form of courtship, and may include any social activity undertaken by, typically, two persons with the aim of each assessing the other’s suitability as a partner in an intimate relationship or as a spouse. The word refers to the act of meeting and engaging in some mutually agreed upon social activity. Traditional dating activities include entertainment or a meal.

Many would agree with this definition although I know people who have claimed to date someone but never actually went on a date with him/her. Let me just state for the record that dating is not the same as simply sleeping with someone, okay? So just because you may have been shagging for six months, it does not mean you’re dating! Especially if his idea of dinner and a movie is ordering pizza and watching Showtime! :p

But is ALL dating done exclusively to assess potential for a relationship? What if you just want to hang out as friends? Is that not dating? If you’ve been following my posts, you would know that I’ve been going out with a nice gentleman lately. However, I am certainly not assessing him! More like…enjoying him!

Last thing on my mind right now is an intimate relationship OR a spouse, for that matter. So does dating have to come along with this stigma of mate hunting? Can’t it just be about having a nice time without any expectations or ulterior motives? Geez.

For me, the whole dating thing is relatively new. I have never “dated” in my life…I’ve just had “relationships”! Oh wait, no…I take that back. I DID date a guy on and off for about two years before we actually became a couple…that was pretty sweet. And I have also gone out on dates with guys I was “seeing” at the time.

But I think dating should be about enjoying yourself with members of the opposite sex, whether your intentions are relationship scouting or just an excuse to get out of the house! And note that I wrote members (plural)…so just because you went out with Stan last night, doesn’t mean you can’t go out with Robert tomorrow!

Because seriously, why are you putting so much pressure on a good time? As mentioned in a previous note, when I informed a friend that I didn’t make out with ole cutie pie on the first date, she exclaimed, “Well, that’s not love, then…“

Aside from the fact that not all women give it up on the first date, not all of us are searching for love either! I know for a fact that one of the stepping stones to disappointment is entering into a situation with expectations. There should be no expectations involved in dating. Only good times and great conversation!

And I also think that friends can date! I am about to go and meet a friend for drinks in about an hour…by many standards, this would be considered a date. But am I assessing his potential to be a suitable lover or spouse? No, darlings…I am not.

But this leads me to another question: is there a difference in dating and just hanging out?  I enjoy hanging out with attractive men and I also love going on dates! So am I dating the cutie pie or just hanging out with him? Is this meeting my friend for drinks a date or just a hang out session? What is the difference between the two, dear dating diary…what is it, what is it, what is it?

I mean, I have the same kind of conversations with cutie pie that I have with my friend. When I see cutie pie, I greet him with a hug and kisses on his cheeks, just as I do with my friend. Cutie pie and I are going out dancing for our next date BUT I’d probably feel awkward dancing with my friend, so does here lie the difference? Hmmmm…

All I know is, I’m enjoying myself, regardless of whatever, and this is all that matters to me. So whether we’re dating or just hanging out is of no consequence to me as long as I’m having a good time with no expectations and no strings attached!

But what do you think, ladies? I’d like to hear YOUR takes on the topic…how would YOU define dating? And is there a difference between dating and just hanging out? Holla at your girl!

Happy days to you all! <3 K

http://threadsmedia.com/life/article/dating-vs-hanging-out/ (Interesting article…)

Dear Dating Diary, Entry #3: What I Wore on Date #2

Here is a little glimpse of what I wore on my date the other night…the thing about all these chicks with their fashion blogs and tings is that they all have awesome cameras to capture their flyness…I don’t have an awesome camera…mine’s pretty basic…so I have to make due with what I have…I think you can still get a good image, though…don’t mind the messy bedroom:

Dress from Old Navy (actually picked out by my mother); vest and brown heels from Stradivarius and all accessories from Accessorize. This is my second time wearing this dress. Facebook friends may recognize it from when I wore it the first time back in March of this year:

Being that it is almost impossible for me to wear the same look twice, I switched it up the second time by adding the vest, more accessories and thicker tights (don’t remember where I got the tights from). As the weather is a little cooler these days, I topped it all off with a jean jacket from Splash,  a brown/creme zebra print scarf (don’t remember where I got this either) and a satin tote bag also from Accessorize:

I couldn’t decide which picture I liked the best so I posted them both! What do ya’ll think? Cute? I had a young lady who saw me that night tell me that she admired my style, saying “its very refreshingly un-doha like“! Why thank you, dahling!

And in case you’re wondering…date # 2 was great!!! Looking forward to date # 3, whenever, wherever it may be…one thing’s guaranteed…I’ll look fabulous…and I’ll post pictures to prove it! (Vain, much?)

Happy days to you all! <3 K

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Dear Dating Diary, Entry #1: “Slow and steady wins the race…”

Okay, so as it says over there in the sidebar, I am trying this whole dating thing again. Well, actually, I think I am trying it out wholeheartedly for the first time! You see, I have learned a lot in the 15 years I’ve “experienced” the male species and one thing I have noted is that I’ve spent too much of my life obsessing over a MAN that I haven’t really had a chance to enjoy MEN! I’ve been through the same thing that we all have been through; a heartbreak here, a heartbreak there. And in between each heartbreak, I don’t think I’ve ever given myself a chance to be single. I mean, I was single in terms of not having a boyfriend but I wasn’t LIVING a single life. As I said, a lot of time post-breakup was spent getting over the breakup and I always seemed to just fall into something new in the midst of it. And then, most assuredly, THAT ends up becoming another breakup and the cycle begins again.

Well, not this time. It’s time to LIVE the single life! And what better age to begin than at the tender, sexy, super sweet age of 30! In some cultures, I would be branded as a hopeless case being that I am not already 10 years into a marriage by now. All I can say to that is, I have been said to have one of the best bums in town..and you are welcome to kiss it.

I am at the prime of my life! I am only four months into this 30′s gig and I have enjoyed every moment of it, whether the moments have been tearful or full of laughter! And again, I have learned so much in my “lessons about boys” that I feel that I am finally at the point where I understand these simple creatures…and thus know how to handle myself with them, and in turn handle them!

So today, in my first entry, I want to speak a bit on the early early stages of dating. Early as in met a guy, had a date or two early. You know the saying, “slow and steady wins the race”? Well, that is the same approach we must take when getting to know a man we’re interested in. We can’t immediately interpret a good time with a guy as our destiny being fulfilled! Have you seen the movie, “He’s Just Not That Into You“, where that obsessive chick started going text crazy and damn near thinking of baby names after even brief encounters? Even though she did score herself a boo in the end, the killer-contact-bug-a-boo is never a good look.

I was out with one of my homeboys and he’d told me about a lovely lady he’d met a few days before. Over the course of my few hours with him, she messaged him at least four times that I can recall. Apparently there was something or other going on in the next few days and she was inviting him and checking his schedule for the evening. First of all, let me again point out, that they’d only met a few days prior. Kind of quick to be trying to fill his calendar full of time with her. I mean, true enough, my boy is hot! But that brings me to my second of all:

Ladies, if a man is interested in you, he will call and invite YOU out! It may sound old-fashioned but in theory, we ARE dealing with men here. They’ve been pretty standard since the beginning of time. One of their immortal traits is the desire to be chivalrous. This strongly entails them being in control (or feeling as they are in control because some of us have learned/are learning to rein it in from the jump Still, they like to be in control of everything, from start to finish, and that includes their interactions with us.

And we ladies shouldn’t have too much of a problem with that because we have too much other things going on to get drifted away by one experience, right? You’ve read the dating books, watched the talk shows; so you’ve heard it all before: we cannot make ourselves so…available. If you’re free when he’s free…lovely. If you’re not…lovely. Besides, men LOVE competition…so he won’t mind competing for your time…or feeling as he has to (cause again, we girls know how to make them feel a certain way when everything is truly in our pretty little hands

So even if the first date was great and the next couple of dates were even greater, sometimes holding back on weekly planners and the “I’ve been thinking about you all day” messages is a good thing. While men DO adore the attention, I know for a fact that it is the elusive woman who gains their attention the most. I mean, case in point, the event this young lady invited my friend to, he turned around and asked ME to go with him!

But while we’re on this texting thing…it has definitely become the new preferred way of communicating, now hasn’t it? Whether this is a good or bad thing, we’ll discuss another time. Still, I’m not saying, don’t text him at all. However, limit your texts: in both occurrence and content. Keep it short and sweet. A “hello, hope your day is going well” once or twice in the week is much better than the daily breakfast, lunch, and dinner reports. And yes, I know some argue how sad it is that we’ve come down to speaking with thumbs; sadly the hour long phone conversations ended with the rise of cell phone bills…or for some us, with graduation from high school. But to be fair, phone calls ARE nice. We’re still in the early stages, though…so texts are fine…for now!

I remember  a few days after a date one of my friends asked me if I’d heard from the guy. I told her we’d been keeping in touch through text to which she replied, “That’s it?” Well…ummm…yea! Dude, it was just a date. Again, I think its a bit early for the daily good morning and good nights. Another girlfriend asked me if we made out, and when I told her we hadn’t, the date was automatically doomed a failure.

Now, we’ve already commented on the contact overkill, but now I just want to throw in there that ladies, if you are still putting out on the first date, you don’t want to be in a relationship. You just want to have fun, get hurt, and possibly end up bitter (if not reborn I am 30 years old. And although it is not my mission, I DO want to be in a relationship. I’ve already learned the hard way the dangers of not taking it slow. And there comes a time when you have to evaluate old and/or recurring patterns in past relationships. If the common theme is not that which has been to your advantage, a shot at a new approach is definitely in the cards.

So me? I’m just chilling. Enjoying the moments as they come. As far as the “s” word is concerned: been there, done that. Again, I have learned enough about complications involved with THAT touchy subject, and honestly, it’s just not on my agenda right now. I am much more stimulated by laughter and great conversation! These are the elements that will yield a second date much faster and/or with more respect, than a first -night, potentially ONE-night stand.

So ladies, enjoy yourselves, keep the dates light-hearted and fun! And remember there is nothing at all wrong with holding on to the energy of a nice night out with a cutie. Just don’t get carried away by it and start listening for the bells! Stay calm…stay cool…stay busy…maintain a mellow level of interest. And if the dates happen to come few and far between, don’t lose a single second of your life with stress or even wonder about it! You just come up with your OWN ways to treat yourself to a good time! This is one of the joys of being single…live it, embrace it, love it! Because trust me, when you do, everyone will notice it, especially men/that man!

As I told a male friend of mine, not every man has poonanny solely on the brain. Many are more so attracted to the light, the cool-hot vibes that emanate from a woman (well the ones who possess such light, anyway and to add to that, REAL men also understand and appreciate the value of taking it slow!

So that’s enough for now…signing off! I have another date tonight…I’m looking forward it! The energy boost will do me some good in the course of this busy work week! But hmmmm, what to wear…alas, even in the course of keeping calm, we women still have our obsessions…and I think this is what my next entry will be about!

Happy days to ya! <3 K

Krystanalis’ Three Steps to Dealing with Heartache

So it seems that everytime I go through a bad breakup, I go in search of ways to get rid of that awful knot in my throat, that awful burn in my stomach, that awful sting in mi corazon. In the course of a recent separation I actually went online looking for articles, tips and whatnot on what I could do to sort myself out; although I already had a general idea of the proper way to deal with it. Just wanted to see if folks out there on the World Wide Web were on the same wavelength as me.

However after reading others’ advice, I found myself only getting annoyed with it all and decided to come up with my own list of how I plan on coping this go round. Many lists had up to 10 tips…I have only three. Read on.

A friend once told me that people can only do to you what you allow them to. We are solely responsible for our emotions, our feelings, our dispositions…blaming is a sick game that only fools play.

So step 1: Stop blaming HIM! Love is a two way street…as is life. We come from different directions but add to the same table…so when the table becomes overloaded and the legs begin to wobble, who are you to fault another when you have contributed a load of your own? Be an example and take responsibility for your individual weight…take the steps in actively removing that weight and you may find that he does the same.

Step 2: Believe in time apart. True, tomorrow isn’t promised and you want peace (with him) now. But time apart IS peace. Silence IS golden. Believe in the powers of the universe to do their perfect work. And believe that it does happen overnights. True, tomorrow isn’t promised but should it come there is always the promise of a blessing…or blessings, hidden and revealed. Remember the sun rays shining through the rain clouds…there lies your promise. There lies your peace.

Step 3: Remain in love. And this must be done in every way possible. Start off by loving your Creator and showing that love with continual praise and thanksgiving for each sunrise and sunset, and all of the glorious moments in between. Simultaneously, you must love your self and truly appreciate every aspect of who you are. It must never be a concern if others honor these aspects or not; particularly if you do not honor them yourself. Oftentimes, when we’re heartbroken, we begin to see the better parts of ourselves as failures, since they were not good enough to keep him around. Silly girls, we are…

My friend Nika once mentioned that sometimes our light is too bright for some to bear. I think my mother once told me the same.  There’s never a reason for us to dull our light. In fact, every let down should be an excuse to shine even brighter! If you fall out of love with him, use your new found time to rise back in love with yourself!

And as far as he is concerned, you must remain in love. And by remain in love, I mean keep your mindframe continually centered with positivity and optimism. What’s the use of negative thoughts and negative talk other than unnecessary stress? Yes, there may have been some bad times but there were some good times as well. And it should be those good moments that occupy that “him” corner of your mind and be rejoiced of/on while speaking his name. Why would you try to convince yourself that he’s relieved and happier that you’re not around? (not addressing whores or stalkers here) We like to believe, it seems, that all men are cold and emotionless creatures. But their bodies pump the same warm-blooded heart as our own…and thus they feel just as we do. Sometimes it’s necessary to swap shoes, every once in a while…there’s a lot of understanding in that act.

So remain in love by believing in love and all that Love promises. Speak in love, think in love, act in love…at all times. Remember the love and only the love…and catch yourself before sliding backwards into the negative. Embrace the love that resides in your own soul, dance with your spirit, and protect your temple…life is for the living…and what a beautiful life it is…

So yea..this is what I am trying out…I’ll let you know how it works out for me.

The Unwritten Rule Book on How to Deal In Breakups…a.k.a “The Book of Bullshit”: Part One

We’ve all been through breakups in relationships and thus have all had our friends give us their views on how we should handle it. I would like to go through the list of tips I have been given throughout my breakups and explain why I find it all to be a load of shit. (These tips aren’t in any particular order, just writing them off the top of the dome.)

“Don’t call him, let him call you.” Bullshit rule number one. Now, while I agree that you shouldn’t blow his phone up, I feel that if it is in your heart to call…call! He can only do one of two things: answer or not answer. Just prepare yourself for either case. If he doesn’t answer, don’t take it personally. Even if you have to come up with your own scenario to lessen the blow, do that. I remember calling an ex one time, and when he didn’t answer, instead of feeling like he was avoiding my phone call, I just created a story in my mind of him being in a meeting or working out or not having his phone around, and I continued on with my day. Even though he may have in fact been avoiding my call, I know the unhealthy disadvantages of dwelling on that possibility so I choose instead to occupy my mind with beautiful lies!

Another thing to keep in mind is exactly why it is that you are calling. If you are calling to give him additional grief on what a piece of shit he is, or how painfully devastated by the breakup you are, may I suggest you save that rant for your diary. The last thing a man likes to be reminded of is how he messed up, and he certainly doesn’t want to hear you crying. The blame game and sob story should never extend too far  past the day of the offense. Continuing to point the finger and crying over what “he did to you” is unnecessary and again, totally unhealthy. But, if you are calling because you just want to say hello, or you need to pick up that pair of blue jeans you left at his place, then there is no reason to play the stubborn “I am not going to call him unless he calls me” game…just call, dammit.

“Girl, you need to move on; he doesn’t deserve you.” I always feel the urge to put a bullet in the head of each person who tells me this. This is actually a two part bullshit rule…I will focus on the moving on part first.

To the people who give such advice…let me just speak for all of my fellow heartbroken freshly separated from their object of affection sisters when I say “kiss my black ass.”  (Or, depending on your ethnic background, “my Asian ass”, “my Caucasian ass”, “my Hispanic ass”…you get the picture.) It’s obvious that when you break up with someone, you will eventually move on…so we don’t need for you to tell us that this is what we NEED to do. That’s number one.

Number two…don’t tell us that we need to move on as if this is something that can happen overnight. “Girl, you need to move on.” “Okay, done.” Never has been that simple; never will be. And you also have to take into consideration the sensitivity level of the person you are talking to. What if they don’t WANT to move on? What if they want to work things out? You have to support your friend in whichever way they choose to deal with their breakup. Now, if the ex was someone who used to pistol whip your homegirl for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, then you may actually have to step in, pack her bags and help her to relocate from this fool…that and/or drag his abusive ass to some counseling/anger management classes. But don’t be so quick to tell you girl to move on from someone she loves…if you feel that this is what she needs to do, then help her to do it instead. Invite her out for lunch or dinner. Take her to see that movie she’s wanted to watch. Suggest a dance or music class. Instead of giving her advice, help her live your advice. Words are meaningless without accompanying action…so unless you plan on helping your sister girl to “move on”, keep your raggedy ass opinions to yourself.

Now as far as the “deserving” part is concerned…who the hell are you to say what or who someone else deserves!? I think that Kahlil Gibran said it best when he wrote in “The Prophet”: “Surely he who is worthy to receive his days and nights is worthy of all else from you.” Just because someone may not “deserve” love and understanding and compassion from you, doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t give it. Oftentimes, it is these “undeserving” individuals who need to be given the most! Okay, so let’s say that this guy cheated on you, calls you out of your name, or any other example of cruel offenses…only YOU know and can decide how much you will take and give to this person. No one else has the right to tell you what it is that you deserve or what the person you are with deserves. I feel that all offenses, all forms of hate, so to speak, can only be combated with love. It seems to be so much easier and sadly, more accepted, to respond to such let-downs with equal hate and disrespect but what benefit will this have for you in the end? Keep this one thing in mind: everyone you interact with deserves from you exactly what you feel that you deserve from them…point blank period. You continue to give out what you wish to receive back…that’s what really makes the world go ‘round.

“Treat him mean, keep him keen!” This is actually a book title…I saw it in Virgin Bookstore the other day and I wanted to burn it on the spot. Quite similar to the book “Why Men Love/Marry Bitches”. These books operate on the premise that if you treat a man like shit, this is what will make him come crawling back to you. There have been testimonies that this form of voodoo actually works but I personally feel like if my going beneath myself and treating someone wrong is what will make this person want to be with me, then this isn’t quite the type of person that I want to be with. If a man takes my kindness as a weakness and allows it to push him away, then so be it. I am not going to get all bitchy on him in hopes that he will be mine once again. It’s just not in me to do that, and if having a loving heart will be the one “flaw” that keeps me single, well then…I am fine with that! Again, only we as individuals know how much we are willing to give and able to take…and while I am far from being a pushover, I actually find it difficult to treat people unkindly, regardless of how they treat me. Not sure if that attitude is a blessing or a curse but it makes me feel good about myself as a person and that’s all that matters.

“You can’t really transition from one thing to the next without there being some gap in between.” This is actually a piece of bullshit given to me by one of my exes. This is related to the day old idea that time will heal all wounds and seal all of those nasty cans of worms. I for one, don’t believe wholeheartedly in this and maybe it’s the hopeful romantic in me speaking when I say that I don’t have time to wait for time to make things better. Like Dallas Tamaira sang in his song “Del Fuego”, I too am “aimlessly devoted to the moment”. I feel that the only time we have to make things right is right now! 

Life is too short for us to hold grudges and continuously dwell on everything that went wrong in the relationship. One key thing in all relationships is the fact that there was a friendship involved as well. And if we, as a bunch of grown ass people, cannot move past the hurts and wrongs in order to keep the friendship alive, well…again, I just find that to be a crock of bullshit. In my experience, however, I have found that this is often made difficult…not because of how emotionally attached I may have been to my ex, but because HE is normally too stubborn to get over himself enough to accept my advances of friendship. “Oh, I don’t think that we can be friends because you are still really into me,” I had one bunshole tell me before. Umm, really? You serious about that? Actually, let me move that one down to bullshit rule number whatever…

“I don’t think we can be friends because you are still really into me.” Another crock of shit fed to me by an ex. And as I began before, “Umm, really? You serious about that?” I even had a guy tell me that he doesn’t think it’s a good idea for us to hang out because I’d told him a few days prior that I missed him. I hate to sound like a male-basher right now, but some men really are “stucking fupid” (trying to decrease my extensive use of the “f-word”) Okay, so because I tell you that I miss you then I MUST be soooo completely caught up over you to where if and when we do hang out, I am going to spend the whole time sitting shiva and giving you my “why oh why did you do this to us” look…right? I became really annoyed when he told me that actually because he made me feel, for a moment, that I was wrong for missing him. I immediately shook that idea off as I know that my missing” him was a normal human reaction to “transitioning from one thing to the next” over a period of days. You can’t spend four months practically living with someone to spending weekends alone without missing those times you had together before…dumbass.

It’s not about being “still really into someone”…it’s about acknowledging the fact that you were friends before and that you are mature enough to rise above the past mistakes and let-downs to atleast be able to be cordial and respectful to one another. And it’s quite funny to me, and again, I am speaking from my own personal experience, but it seems that while men think that it is us women who are the overly emotional and attached figures in the relationship, it is actually the other way around! I think the real reason why he felt that we couldn’t be friends is because he was the one still REALLY INTO ME! So ladies, don’t fret…I know we can get really upset because we feel as if he doesn’t care and never cared because he acts so indifferent and nonchalant and gives the brush-off but the reality of it all my darlings, is that he is hurting far worse than we are…that thought actually made me smile a bit just now! And actually reminds me of bullshit rule number…what number are we on?

(Note: I have noticed that I have slyly shifted from discussing “advice” given by friends to “excuses” given by exes…sorry, that’s just how my mind works…I told you before, I’m just writing off the top of the dome.)

“Perhaps if I treat her with indifference and nonchalance, she will just move on from me more quickly.” This one has been ripped from the Men’s Unwritten Rule Book on How to Deal in Relationships and I personally think that this is the biggest load of bullshit of them all. I even had a guy actually admit this to me; he was like, “I know I have been treating you like shit and I suppose I did this to push you away.” Boys, boys, boys…listen to your mother speaking here: if you want her to go away, tell her. It will be painful for her to hear that you want the relationship to be over but not nearly as painful as her having to deal with you treating her like a dick. And once the relationship is in fact over, is it really necessary for you to continue to treat her like a dick by making her feel as if you don’t even care; that you are unaffected; that you have already moved on and don’t miss her and don’t think about her and are not reminded of her in the most inopportune moments throughout the day? Seriously, dudes…stop kidding yourself. And ladies, don’t fall for it. He does care, girl…he does miss you…he hasn’t moved on…he does think about you, and quite often at that…he really IS human after all…although he may appear to act like a damn emotionless robot.

Okay, so there is a lot more to this whole thing but I am suffering from writer’s fatigue so I will pick up with this a bit later. I will end on this note, however: to those of you who give advice, always consider how you would deal with the situation were you in that person’s shoes before you shoot off your tips. And to those of you receiving the advice, always listen to your heart before listening to your friends…the heart is more reliable anyway. And to you men…get over yourself…it’s not impossible to be friends with your ex…try to stop being a dick for five minutes and you will see just how easy it is…but that’s just my raggedy ass opinion! :p