So I was talking to a friend of mine online the other day, and she was asking me why are there certain people that we can never stop loving. She told me that she doesn’t understand why it is that it seems we can never be with the ones we truly love. “You know,” she wrote, “it’s like you find your soulmate, but then things don’t work out…but how do you stop loving that person? How do you move on? If you were meant to be the together, you would be together, right?”
So, I told her that the truth is, you can never really stop loving anyone. To “stop loving” would be a sin, first off; and when you have developed strong feelings for a person, you would be inhuman if you could just cut those feelings off completely. We have all been in relationships where we have fallen head over heels in love with a person; some of us are still in those relationships; for others, those relationships have ended.
And we all have had breakups, so we all know firsthand that getting over an “ex” is not an easy thing to do. Yet, from what I gathered from my friend, she feels that it’s impossible to get over who she refers to as her “first true love”. I myself, do not think it’s impossible at all…but I will get more into that in a minute…
But she feels that because she still holds these strong feelings for her “ex”, then this must mean that they should be together. Yet, she listed all of these different “behaviors” that he exhibits to her…behaviors that would be enough to turn even the most die hard romance afficionado off of her former lover.
But I know exactly how she feels; I know what it means to still love a person the same even when he/she behaves in such a way that shows that their once deep-in-love feelings for you have now become non-existent. This tendency to “love regardless” is more common in women than in men because women hold on to feelings longer and stronger than (most) men; even after a breakup.
And we should never feel weak or vulnerable for this. There is never anything wrong with loving a person. EVER. Love is a powerful thing and if you can hold on to love throughout all of your pain, then you are in fact very strong!
But I feel that the mistake that we women make sometimes is that we form attachments to the feelings conjured up in our relationships. We meet this guy and develop strong, deep feelings for him, and we assert in our minds that this is “the love that was created for us”. This is IT! This is “the one”! ”This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with!”
But then it doesn’t work out…and what do we do, after cursing the heavens, of course: we spend too much time asking why why why and wondering how we can get that love back.
This is where we err.
It seems very cliche to say this but it’s true that if things do not work out with the person you thought was “the one”, then it means that God has a better course for you to take. This course may be a different approach to the former relationship or a pathway into a new one. Because in all relationships there are lessons to be learned and not all break-ups are permanent…but we should never think for a moment that God only allows us ONE opportunity to love someone so passionately that we never want to love another again.
(Side note: we also make mistakes in “labeling” our mates as “the one”…we often curse the relationship by defining our partner in such a way and it’s because labels are attachments and attachments are dangerous…but don’t get me started; that’s a different blog all together.)
Relationships are hard work and break-ups are even harder. But I have learned that it’s when you let go of the ATTACHMENT to the feelings you had or HAVE for a person, that you can finally see things clearer…you begin to see this person in a totally different light. You may finally see that he/she really isn’t “the one” for you; that you are better off as friends; or on the flip side, that you are better off not even being friends; some come to wonder what attracted them to that person in the first place!
But to my girl, I want you to understand this: if at any moment, you come to truly love a man, you will never stop loving him…and you should never try. And you should never feel bad about still loving him even though/when he sometimes behaves like a total butthead!
I also want you to realize is that true love doesn’t end with one relationship gone bad. Your “first true love” was only a taste of the real thing. And this fact alone should be enough to keep you in sweet spirits at all times!
Moving on is not impossible, but it’s not the mission either! What’s absolutely necessary is that we do not allow our attachment to a feeling to become our attachment to a person. That joy and contentment and comfort you felt in that relationship can be felt through so many other outlets. That’s also another blog all together but as far as your “the one” is concerned, there are too many beautiful souls in this world to think that we are just limited to being deeply connected to wahid, bas! 
And finally, I want you to know that nothing is impossible if you believe…even if you believe that you are still meant to be with your “first true love”, I will never be the one to tell you that you are wrong or foolish. Just keep your heart open to recieve love from wherever it hails…don’t limit yourself…love is a beautiful thing and if you have it, even if it isn’t from who you may have had in mind, you are blessed and should continually be grateful!
I love you, girl! May God continue to bless you, and all who are reading this, and may you all know and understand the joys (and embrace the pains) of L-O-V-E!
