Dear Dating Diary, Entry #6: “To wait or not to wait…that is the question…”

November 27th, 2010 § Leave a Comment

So the other day, I was having lunch with a friend and I was telling him about my new journey into the dating world. We spoke about my relationship past and told him of my decision to take things a lot more slowly this go ’round as I want my next intimate encounter to be with someone I love not just someone I like or am merely sexually attracted to.

This isn’t to say that I am jumping on the whole “I’m (now) saving it for marriage” mumbo jumbo as I realize that it’s a liiiiiiiiiil too late for that. However, I have learned that even “innocent” cuddling and fondling and groping and such, is a bit meaningless if there are no feelings involved.

Not only that, but I think that holding back on the intimacy from the beginning makes for a more solid foundation when building a relationship; and strong relationships are long relationships…and I personally would like to have something that lasts over 6 months, thank you very much.

Well, these views of mine sparked a bit of a debate as my friend disagreed with my theories. He told me that it doesn’t matter if you make out within five minutes or five months of meeting someone…one is not more meaningful than the other and it doesn’t determine the final outcome of the relationship.

In his view, as far as relationship outcomes are concerned, it is highly possible to have a long-lasting beautiful love relationship with a person who you made out with on the first date…just as its possible to flop with a partner who you took it slowly with.

I had to agree with him there. I’ve had enjoyable relationships with a first date make-out and with someone who dated me for two years before we were ever intimate. While I loved them both, obviously both relationships ended; and, in comparing the two, I cannot readily deduce that the timing in which we “tussled about” had any effect on the longevity or intensity of the relationship. So he got +1 point for that part of his argument.

But I fully disagree with his claim that one is not more meaningful than the other. When it comes to “meaningfulness”, I think it is more so an issue of how you feel about YOURSELF at the end of it all than how you feel about the other person.

We are human. We are not flawless. We live in a highly-sexed world where we have become highly-sexed individuals. In other words, we’re a bunch of horny mo-fos whether we want to hide under the facade of “lil mis(ster) innocent” or not, so its natural for us to slip into the impromptu make-out session every once in a while.

The question is, however, how do you feel afterward? Does it make you feel good? If so, then honey, do what you do. But I will never forget the time I got upset after I made out with a guy.

I actually started crying! And it wasn’t because of him…he was fine. For what it was, it was enjoyable. A few hours later, though, I felt sick to my stomach. This is when I knew things had to change significantly for me.

(By the way, when I say make-out session, I am not referring to sexual intercourse…I’m talking about the touchy feely stuff you do beforehand.)

If I got this bothered by just making out, I don’t want to think of how I would have felt had I slept with him. But in the way I see things now, I may as well should have!

Sex is about the sharing of your body, exploration, experimentation, conquering. It encompasses everything from kissing to hugging to cuddling to everything else (trying to keep it PG here), and it’s meant be sacred, divine, experienced only with those deemed worthy.

So whether its kiss kiss or bang bang, it’s still a precious act that should be treated with absolute care. Our bodies are holy temples, our personal homes, if you will…and you wouldn’t just let anybody into your home, would you?

Plus, I lost interest in the guy after I made out with him. One of the things I enjoy most about new relationships is how the anticipation for that first kiss builds up the more you two hang out and spend QT together. If you experience it all on the first go ’round, what have you to look forward to then?

When I asked my friend how he would feel about a woman who “gave it up” on the first date as opposed to a woman he had to take out a few times before even getting a first kiss, he became silent. I thought this was because he was contemplating some beautiful description of how much more respect he would have for the woman who waited but instead he said, “I’ve never had to take a woman out a few times before kissing her.“

Sigh. Men.

So I asked him to imagine what would he think of the woman who made him wait. To this he replied, “I would think she’s a tease who is both wasting her time and mine.“

(Discussions with guys with mentalities such as this frustrate me. I know my friend, though…at this point he was just trying to provoke me, the turd.)

When asked why he felt it a waste of time, he said that we all know what we want so what’s the point in delaying the inevitable. He feels that the entire objective of dating is sex anyway, so why wait? “If the feeling is there, there is nothing wrong with acting on it, even if it is in the first few hours of meeting,” he said.

Again, I partially agreed. I am all for going with the flow but I think that going there in the first few hours is a bit extreme and dare I say…slutty? I mean, at least learn his last name first, geez!

And while I do not think that girls who make out on the first date are slutty, I do think that there is a lot more to be said for the lady who waits.

Regardless of how the other person perceives us, as I mentioned earlier, its about how we feel about ourselves. I know I don’t want to feel that same shit feeling I had after my last move too soon. And as I am now dating MEN as opposed to seeing a MAN, I certainly can’t be making out with all of them.

In the end, its all about self-respect. The worth we place on ourselves is more attractive than any other outwardly beauty we possess. I mean, some things are fun when you are young but there comes a time where we have to put childish things aside and approach situations as adults.

There was a deeper reason why I got upset that night; I know it was God’s way of telling me that I’m too old for this isht. Again, our bodies are holy and pure and should be treated like a sacred treasure! So he can talk about how pretty your lips are and how slender your neck is and how perfect your earlobes are all he wants…looking is free for all; but touching should be reserved for the someone branded “special”!

And don’t worry, ladies…I hope you know that not all men think like my friend; not all men think that waiting is a tease. My friend doesn’t even really think this and as I said was trying to provoke me, I found in the end, to “give (me) something to write about“! :p

He later told me, that while he does truly believe that we should act on our feelings, men really do appreciate the woman who they’ve yet to discover! He also told me to point out that not all men think that women who give it up on the first date are sluts…I think I want to start a poll on that.

But to conclude and sum up my argument, there is a song called “Be Still” by Big Boi and Janelle Monae in which she sings,

“Be still, young heart…never will you fall apart. Be wise, my dear…you must learn to just be still until you really really know. Show me you’re right…shine your light. I wonder when will I know…“

And this is just what we should do. Be still and take our fill of each other’s light until we feel that it is right to take the next step. When will you know? Who knows…until then: KISS = keep it sacred, silly!