His Potential Fate…Unless…

You’ll be with her…and you will love her. But you will always think of me, like you’ve always thought about me…like you always think about me..and you will have a never-ending resentment towards yourself for being too afraid to have what you deserve…for settling for the comfort of something that you think you can’t fail at…instead of rising up to the challenge of something greater…and believing in your capabilities to achieve…anything…success…love…true happiness…

So you’ll be with her…and you will love her. But you will always think of me, like you’ve always thought about me…like you always think about me…and you will find it difficult to NOT imagine what it would have been like if you would have just given yourself a chance…a chance to love…and be loved by a true image of God’s sweetest grace…you once looked her in the eyes and let your words flow from your heart…but then you locked your heart away…and kept everything inside…until you became too weak to live up to your owned potential…

So you’ll be with her…and you will love her. But you will always love me, like you’ve always loved me…like you always love me...and she will pick up on that love…just as she did the first time we met…and although she will learn to accept it and love you still…she will grow to be silently bitter at the fact that you will never be 100% hers…and while the love for your children can never be matched…you will hold her more in respect as a mother, rather than in love as a wife…

Now where’s the happiness in that??

Some more thoughts on this bullshit called love.

I get like this sometimes. Once a month, as it seems, being that we women have been cursed to endure these wretched hormonal imbalances whenever that bitch Aunt Flow is in town. And each month, its the same…for three weeks, I am a cool camper…enjoying my life as it is, continuously thankful for the multitude of blessings my Father bestows upon me daily, smiling, laughing, relaxing. But then comes “that week”…where without even wanting to, I venture into that part of myself that likes to reflect on those things that make me angry…or sad…or any feeling other than peaceful.

So today, in spite of all in my life that is good, I am thinking of that one part where it has gone wrong…where it has ALWAYS gone wrong in my life…and that is in the area of love.

I can’t name one…not ONE man who I have been with in my life who did not take my love and/or affection for granted. And I am sitting here, talking to God and asking Him, “WHY????” What have I done in my past to deserve to be played by these nothing ass niggas? I am not a bad person…at all…and when I love, I love deep, unconditionally!

And this love of mine is not easily acquired. There are only two guys in my life who I ever uttered the words “I love you” to and I wonder now which of the two was genuine.

I don’t feel like getting into all of the details of my fucked up love history right now…the main reason for this note is because I have alot on my mind right now and as much as my friends don’t want to hear about it anymore, I don’t really want to talk about it. But naturally, I have to release it some sort of way or I will just keep crying about it (damn hormones!) So here I write…

I wanted to ask the questions I am about to pose to all of the guys who have hurt me at some point in my life but as time went by and I got over their sorry asses, my desire to know the whys faded away. But being that I am still hurting over the more recent heartbreak in my life, the desire to know WHY??? is strong once again.

But if he is reading this, I want him to know that anytime he is willing to be a man and tell me why it is that he played me the way he did, I am ready to listen. I want him to confess to me that he chased me for two years because I was a challenge and once he lured me in, the thrill was gone and he wanted to be rid of me. I want to know why he led me to believe that he loved me and wanted to marry me…I want to know why he entertained conversations about children, and locations where we would raise our family. I want to know why he has given all of these naysaying bitches the satisfaction of being right about him not staying with me. I want to know what it is that I did to him that made me deserve to be treated like an afterthought while he continues to smile in the face of lame ass nobodys who have no respect for me or the “relationship” that we had.

I want him to know that I do not want him back anymore. That I have realized that he cannot possibly be the one for me because a man who truly loves me like he claimed he did would never treat me this way. A man who truly loved me like he claimed he did would never give up on what we had because he was afraid he would fail at it. A man who truly loved me like he claimed he did would never put his feelings for me on the back burner while he focused entirely on “work and money”. A man who truly loved me like he claimed he did would know in his heart that it was our love that made him happy…that made him healthy….that motivated and inspired him…that gave him a life.

I feel sick to my stomach right now…I can’t write anymore.

Thoughts on Love…

Have you ever felt stupid for being in love with someone? Ever asked yourself why you love a certain person and why is it impossible to stop loving him/her? Ever do things out of love and later regret it? If the answer to any of these questions is YES, well then SHAME ON YOU!!

Love is a beautiful thing and if it’s in your heart you should never be ashamed of it or feel stupid for the way you express it! You should never question it or try to avoid it or get rid of it! Love is meant to strengthen you, enlighten you, lift you up! And if you are currently looking for love in your life, I am here to tell you that the best way to bring it to yourself is by feeling and expressing it!

Love yourself! Love your enemies! Love your family and friends and family of friends and friends of friends!

You may have situations and circumstances in your life where a person hurts you or makes you sad or angry and the easiest thing for you to do is hate that person. But this is not what God wants us to do. God wants us to love unconditionally…regardless of circumstances!

Did he break your heart? Don’t stop loving him! Pray for him and send those love vibes his way and help to affect a change in his life that will make him a better person for the next love that comes along…this will in turn create AMPLE opportunities for a new and amazing love to come your way!

Did she piss you off? Don’t curse her! Pray for her and ask God to bless her! Remember that what you wish for others, you also wish for yourself! Sometimes its hard to feel love for someone who doesn’t show love for you or who does everything WRONG when it comes to, in a sense, earning or deserving your love.

RANDOM NOTE: It reminds me of Ben Stiller on the movie “The Heartbreak Kid” when his crazy ass wife told him she loved him and he was like, “Love love, love love love, love love love love!” Lol! (You gotta see it to get it! :p)

But seriously, it’s all about feeling love, though, and not being ashamed of it…not being afraid to scream it from the rooftops…not giving a damn about how others view you and if they may question your feelings and actions. If anyone asks you, “How can you say you love him or be nice to her after what they did to you?”, then your answer should be “Well, because this is what my Father told me to do!”

Everyone right now needs to love or be in love with someone…whether its your sister, your friend, your lover, or your SELF…feel the love, live the love, be the LOVE!

And I write this because I am in love with someone…and I have felt foolish for it many times…but that little voice…that sweet, calming voice that talks to me always at the perfect time…SHE told me that this is the only way I will be able to accept LOVE when it is finally reciprocated…even if it is never reciprocated from the love in my heart…it will in fact be returned unto me 100-fold…and I will be blessed…’til death bids me home!

So wherever you are…whoever you are…I welcome you! Yalla, ta’al!

Love,

Love…

Just some random thoughts going through my mind

 

 

Lately, I have been having a series of random thoughts concerning the former lover/current love of my life…I have been questioning my faith in our redemption…will we come back together as my dreams illustrate or is this illusion in fact a DElusion?

One thing I am happy to point out is the fact that all memories of past wrongs and hurts have been completely erased from my mind. It requires work; it’s a bit of a struggle; I have to strain, in fact, to remember the things that once made me cry, and sigh, and ask why why why?

Now when I think of him, I only think of things that make me smile…

And this silent treatment we have been giving each other is so beautiful to me because when we ARE near each other, there is so much unspoken communication between us. Little small movements and actions that only we can understand. His heart speaks to me…tells me all the things that his ego and manly pride will not bring him to confess just yet…

Maybe this is presumptuous of me…maybe I am only coming up with these feelings to make myself feel better…and if this is the case…so what?? I can feel good if I want, dammit!

But the last two encounters with him have been the sweetest in a while…although we barely said five words to one another our hearts were screaming!

“I hear you, loud and clear, baby…and I miss you, too…”