-I
Want you-you
Oh, I-I
Want you-you

In the worse kinda way-way
I want you-you, baby
so what we gon’ do do do, baby
what we gon’ do do do, baby

[Verse 1]
Love is on the way, all I got to say is
It wont let go
You can pray to early May, fast for 30 days
Still it wont let go, oh
Got a good book and got all in it, tried a little yoga for a minute
But it wont let go, oh
Tried to turn the sauna up to hotter, drunk a whole jar of holy water
But it wont let go, oh

[Hook]
I-I
Want you-you
Said I-I
I said what we gon’ do

In the worse kinda way-way
I want you you you you, baby
so what we gon’ do, baby [x2]

[Verse 1]
Love is on the way, all I got to say is
It wont let go
You can pray to early May, fast for 30 days
Still it wont let go, oh
Got good book and got all in it, tried a little yoga for a minute
But it wont let go, oh
Tried to turn the sauna up to hotter, drank a whole jar of holy water
But it wont let go, oh

[Hook]
I I I, baby
Want you you you, baby
so what we gon’ (uh) do-do

I-I
Want you-you
I-I
So what we gon’ do

In the worse kinda way-way
I want you you you you, baby
so what we gon’ do
now what we gon’ do

[Ad-lib]
(Now what we gone do)
I know you’re a little nervous
(what we gone do)
I know you really want this
(what we gone do)
I can’t believe the feeling
(what we gone do)
I feel it all over, feel it all over
(said what we gone do)
babe, yeah baby
(so what we gone do)
You don’t believe in love, you missing a good thing
(so what we gone do)
Because I’m—say
Because I’m genuine, I’m genuine, yeah
(so what we gone do)
yeah baby

[Bridge: 2x]
I don’t want no trouble
Just a little loving (yeah)
I want to get to know ya (yeah)
I don’t want your money (yeah)
You oughta get to know me (yeah)
My love’ll make you wonder (yeah)
And lightning a thunder (yeah)
I get it from my mama (yeah)

[Ad-lib]
Oh, I-I
I Want you-you
do-do
Now what we gon’ do

So yea, we have all been there. Boy meets girl-boy likes girl-girl likes boy-boy wants to get to know girl better-girl says why not, besides she’s single now-boy invites over to chill out-girl doesn’t mind that chill out leads to make out-boy doesn’t mind that make out leads to more chil out-girl doesn’t mind that more chill out leads to more smiles-boy doesn’t mind that more smiles leads to even more chill out which leads even more make out-girl begins to develop special feelings-boy begins to develop special feelings-girl begins to think that she may have hooked a mature one-boy begins to become nervous about the special feelings he’s developed-girl maintains honesty and loyalty in the relationship-boy begins to show signs of mistrust and mixed feelings-girl begins to suffer as a result of boy’s insecurities-boy begins to doubt how he feels and looks for a way out-girl picks up on this but feels that he’s wrong as she understands what he is going through and why-boy doesn’t know what he wants: a big part feels that this could be a keeper; a small part feels that there is a safer option out there for him…one that doesn’t involve love.

But girl believes in love although she has been knocked down in love many times. Girl understands that in life, all experiences are those that enable us to grow; and that they are not to be held on to but released into the “universe”, so to speak; just another marking in our life’s diary, there only for reference, not further elaboration.

However, boy cannot seem to forget. He uses everything as a basis for comparison. Every new experience is measured against the last one. Boy holds grudges and makes excuses. He blames his mother. He blames his past. Boy doesn’t trust because he doesn’t want to trust; because he remembers where trusting led him. Boy doesn’t let go of the past because he doesn’t know how to let go of the past. Perhaps he has never been taught.

Girl sympathizes with boy; because she has been in the same predicament. She remembers her last relationship and how she made the one she loved “suffer as a result of her insecurities”. She remembers where that led her…and where it led him. Girl had to learn, through her heartbreak, that she has to begin every new relationship with a clean slate; that she has to never lose faith in love, and therefore always trust her heart. Girl learned that she must never forget God’s promises to her, and that she must continue to live every moment as a promise fulfilled.

Boy wants to believe this; in fact a part of him does. But what boy doesn’t realize is that we live in a world created for love but not made for it. We live in a time of promiscuity and lasciviousness; relationships fall apart at a rate exceedingly higher than those that persevere. We live in an era where people always want more than they have; or so they think. Girl wants boy to understand that if something is meant for us, then this is what we’ll have. We do not necessarily have to overly pursue it. Girl wants to teach boy how to just flow with what he presently has and the good feelings that comes along with it; she wants him to stop bringing unnecessary stress on himself by worrying about the what ifs and maybes; she wants him to just chill out.

Because girl knows that chill out leads to more chill out and more chill out leads to more make out and more make out leads to more smiles…and girl is missing her smiles.

However, girl is a girl after all. So girl begins to think. And girl begins to wonder if its worth it after all. Girl remembers the patience she’s always had with those she’s loved. She too remembers the heartache it brought when things ended up crumbling in the end. A part of her wants to just walk away from it all; let him deal with his issues on his own; find his own way, and in whole, find her own. Yet another part of her feels that everyone needs that friend will be there to tell him/her right when the thinking is wrong. She feels that everyone needs that person who can restore their faith in love. And she feels that there is no honor higher than to be that person for him…for anyone…but presently, him.

And that is why girl just can’t let go…

So the other day, my friend Marie told us about the new Q-Tip cd; that it was really nice and that we should check it out!  So I hops on to Limewire and let the downloading begin. I wanted to hear a sample of what I was downloading so I went to Youtube and looked for new songs by Q-Tip. The first one I came across was the video for his song “Getting Up“, which contains the following lyrics:

Sent you a message, sent you an email
Hasty decisions, we may still prevail
Both needed breaks, we both needed to bail…

Walking thru the corridors of my mind
The hideaways, the nooks, and thangs with good times
Memories, certainly yes, they still bind…

Still a common man, and yeah that’s for sure
Still a bankroll, and yeah still couture
But man, this thing that we had was much more…

Come back home, don’t be out in the world
It’s a rat race and no place for a girl
And most scavengers have found the pretty pearl…

It’s for the faint of heart who never get enough
Gotta get tough, buckle em up, we call em guts
And we, and we and we…

Said we gettin’ up…

Come over here baby, don’t look so grumpy
This kind of lifestyle could be so comfy
We can start a clan just like the Kennedy’s…

You and I advance, certainly we can expand
Feelings that should never end
And you respect me like a friend
But love me like your man
No other could contend

Or we could be like those exposed 2 history
Like staying with each other with truth and chivalry
The things we go thru, they shape our identity…

Yes, pretty, let’s do this all nite
Consummate this thing and make it alright
And when we cuddle up and promise that it’s right…

Said we gettin’ up…

I (You) like to watch everybody gravitate towards you (me)
Your (My) magnetic presences make them come thru
The same way you (I) got them, you got me too…

Now look at our lives are so colorful
A wonderful spectrum, not 1 tone dull
Full of excitement and not 1 lull…

See, we had an understanding, oh yes we did
I’m bringing it back, I’m puttin in my bid
Have a couple of kids,  and have a couple of cribs…

We like Ruby Dee and Ossie, Martin and Coretta
Doin it to death, no one can do it better
When we leave our physical, our sprits still together…

Come on now, here’s a placement for your hand
You rockin with the #1 MC (wo)man
The #1 controller of right with the plan…

Said we gettin’ up…

Now naturally this song made me think of my current ex…or at least the way I felt towards him a few months ago…and I write this because as I read over the lyrics again and really jogged my mind, the reality hit me…I DON’T FEEL THIS WAY ANYMORE!!

And this actually makes me a bit sad. I know there are some of you out there who have been in relationships with people and at some point you two may break up or simply decide that you want to take a break from each other for a while. And it is during this time that you still harbor those feelings, or in some cases fantasies that the two of you may get back together again. Often times, you do get back together…other times you do not. It may depend very heavily on the amount of time that you two are apart.

Because the longer you are apart, the more it seems that you learn of how your ex really is. You begin to see him or her in ways that you may have been blind to when the two of you were “in love”. I will keep my personal realizations to myself but I have seen enough to know…or to at least wonder, “Was this person always this way? Or has he changed? Or is it me that has changed? Or am I only just noticing it?” It’s crazy…

But the reason why it makes me sad is because its often this hope in reconciliation that keeps you sane…it CAN make you INSANE as well but in my case, after many many months of insanity, it eventually gave me my peace…in thinking that “Yes, I am single now, but insha’Allah one day things will go back to how they were and it will be alright.”

That hope was an illusion. Things never go back to how they were because things never go back…we only move forward…so wanting to go back is just…well, wrong!

I am very pleased with the relationships that I have with all of my former boyfriends. I think the most important thing at the end of the day is that the two of you can remain friends. And this is what I am most thankful for.

But I still cannot deny that even I was a bit shocked to realize that I no longer want more than this friendship! As I mentioned before, it saddens me a bit because I had hopes, and dreams, and visions, and all that stuff that runs through your mind and makes you believe that things will be one way when really they are destined to be completely different! But at the same time, there is a sweet liberation in it all…and for the first time since my break-up almost a year ago…I am finally claiming it: I’m SINGLE!

This is still a nice song though! Check it out!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=KcL3_GKS0wg&feature=related

So I was talking to a friend of mine online the other day, and she was asking me why are there certain people that we can never stop loving. She told me that she doesn’t understand why it is that it seems we can never be with the ones we truly love.  “You know,” she wrote, “it’s like you find your soulmate, but then things don’t work out…but how do you stop loving that person? How do you move on? If you were meant to be the together, you would be together, right?”

So, I told her that the truth is, you can never really stop loving anyone. To “stop loving” would be a sin, first off;  and when you have developed strong feelings for a person, you would be inhuman if you could just cut those feelings off completely. We have all been in relationships where we have fallen head over heels in love with a person; some of us are still in those relationships; for others, those relationships have ended.

And we all have had breakups, so we all know firsthand that getting over an “ex” is not an easy thing to do. Yet, from what I gathered from my friend, she feels that it’s impossible to get over who she refers to as her “first true love”. I myself, do not think it’s impossible at all…but I will get more into that in a minute…

But she feels that because she still holds these strong feelings for her “ex”, then this must mean that they should be together. Yet, she listed all of these different “behaviors” that he exhibits to her…behaviors that would be enough to turn even the most die hard romance afficionado off of her former lover.

But I know exactly how she feels; I know what it means to still love a person the same even when he/she behaves in such a way that shows that their once deep-in-love feelings for you have now become non-existent. This tendency to “love regardless” is more common in women than in men because women hold on to feelings longer and stronger than (most) men; even after a breakup.

And we should never feel weak or vulnerable for this. There is never anything wrong with loving a person. EVER. Love is a powerful thing and if you can hold on to love throughout all of your pain, then you are in fact very strong!

But I feel that the mistake that we women make sometimes is that we form attachments to the feelings conjured up in our relationships. We meet this guy and develop strong, deep feelings for him, and we assert in our minds that this is “the love that was created for us”. This is IT! This is “the one”!  ”This is the man I want to spend the rest of my life with!”

But then it doesn’t work out…and what do we do, after cursing the heavens, of course: we spend too much time asking why why why and wondering how we can get that love back.

This is where we err.

It seems very cliche to say this but it’s true that if things do not work out with the person you thought was “the one”, then it means that God has a better course for you to take. This course may be a different approach to the former relationship or a pathway into a new one. Because in all relationships there are lessons to be learned and not all break-ups are permanent…but we should never think for a moment that God only allows us ONE opportunity to love someone so passionately that we never want to love another again.

(Side note: we also make mistakes in “labeling” our mates as “the one”…we often curse the relationship by defining our partner in such a way and it’s because labels are attachments and attachments are dangerous…but don’t get me started; that’s a different blog all together.)

Relationships are hard work and break-ups are even harder. But I have learned that it’s when you let go of the ATTACHMENT to the feelings you had or HAVE for a person, that you can finally see things clearer…you begin to see this person in a totally different light. You may finally see that he/she really isn’t “the one” for you; that you are better off as friends; or on the flip side, that you are better off not even being friends; some come to wonder what attracted them to that person in the first place!

But to my girl, I want you to understand this: if at any moment, you come to truly love a man, you will never stop loving him…and you should never try. And you should never feel bad about still loving him even though/when he sometimes behaves like a total butthead!

I also want you to realize is that true love doesn’t end with one relationship gone bad. Your “first true love” was only a taste of the real thing. And this fact alone should be enough to keep you in sweet spirits at all times!

Moving on is not impossible, but it’s not the mission either! What’s absolutely necessary is that we do not allow our attachment to a feeling to become our attachment to a person. That joy and contentment and comfort you felt in that relationship can be felt through so many other outlets. That’s also another blog all together but as far as your “the one” is concerned, there are too many beautiful souls in this world to think that we are just limited to being deeply connected to wahid, bas!

And finally, I want you to know that nothing is impossible if you believe…even if you believe that you are still meant to be with your “first true love”, I will never be the one to tell you that you are wrong or foolish. Just keep your heart open to recieve love from wherever it hails…don’t limit yourself…love is a beautiful thing and if you have it, even if it isn’t from who you may have had in mind, you are blessed and should continually be grateful!

I love you, girl! May God continue to bless you, and all who are reading this, and may you all know and understand the joys (and embrace the pains) of L-O-V-E!

April Nicole Cunningham

It seemed like a regular Wednesday evening for 27-year old April Nicole Cunningham. She’d just gotten off of work and went to her grandmother’s house to pick up her 10 year-old son Ketrick. She decided to leave her three-year old daughter Deandra and four-year old son Devontae at her grandmother’s with her mother Wanda. She kissed her babies goodnight and she and Ketrick got in the car to head back to her home in Saraland, Alabama. As she pulled off, she shouted from the window of her white Yukon, “I LOVE YOU, MAMA!”, turned up her music and drove home. This was the last time her mother saw her.

At approximately 2:30 a.m., Thursday, August 21, 2008, April Nicole Cunningham, known to family and friends as “Nicki”, was forced from her home by her estranged husband Dhati Baugh. Ketrick was in bed sleeping and heard a small commotion but figured it was his mother moving around preparing for work and school. When he looked at his alarm clock and saw the time, he dismissed the noise he heard and went back to sleep. I shudder to think about what may have happened if he would have come out of his bedroom. Or if the babies had been there! (Sweet Jesus, bless them!)

No one knows exactly how it all went down. Police found traces of blood outside of Nicki’s home, indicating that there was a struggle before Dhati managed to get her in the car. No one knows the conversation they had in the car or the events leading up to climax of this event.

All we know is that MY COUSIN, April Nicole Cunningham, a beautiful 27-year old mother of three…a small girl with big dreams and hopes for a better future for her children…was found shot and burned to death in the passenger seat of Dhati’s car. Police reports say that there was a motorcycle on a trailer attached to the car, which suggests that Dhati had planned to get away. Yet, that escape did not come.

A man in the neighborhood claimed that he saw Dhati standing away from the car, with his arms folded, watching my cousin’s body burn. It wasn’t until the fire trucks came closer to the scene that Dhati apparentally panicked and ran by a tree, where he shot himself in the head…sending his soul straight to hell…where now he burns…for eternity.

Why he did it? No one truly knows, though the rumors are flying around like paper planes. Nicki and Dhati had been separated for quite some time. She wanted a divorce….he obviously didn’t. And it’s very unfair that he took his own life because now we will never have the answers to the questions ringing in everyone’s mind…and he also stripped himself of any chance for redemption from this evil act.

Yet, I do not hate Dhati. I am hurt and saddened by my cousin’s death but I do not hate the man who killed her because I realize that it wasn’t him who killed her but the demon in full possession of his body, soul and mind. What good would anger and hate bring to an already painful situation? I forgive Dhati and I pray that my family will find it in their hearts to forgive him as well.

We know nothing of the torment that he went through or the type of life that he led that caused him to react the way he did. I pray for his family…that comfort is restored to their hearts during this time of mourning. Because no matter what he did or how he did it, there is still yet another mother without her son.

And my dear cousin, my sweet cousin, my cousin who drove me nutty in high school but always showed me how proud she was of me and how much she really did love me in spite of our disagreements. It hurts me that I do not remember our last conversation. I don’t remember telling her that I love her. I don’t remember hugging her.

It has been over a year since I saw her last, or heard her cute voice. I recieved a message on Myspace from her on April 18, 2008…telling me that she missed me…unfortunately this message has somehow been deleted from my inbox…the devil just keeps working, doesn’t he?

And the reality of it all did not hit me until I walked into the church and saw Nicki’s CLOSED casket and the large portrait of her hanging next to it. It was at that moment, that I cried for the first time over my cousin’s death; and by that time, she’d been in Heaven a little over a week.

My cousin’s life was full of ups and downs, with the downs being very looooooooooow downs! I won’t get into detail in respect of my family’s privacy but I will say that Nicki had to be a woman at a very young age and she saw things in her childhood that….well, that children shouldn’t have to see.

But yet, her spirit was one unlike any other! She loves her family more than anything in this world and there is nothing that she wouldn’t do for them. Even when we used to have our spells in school where we were mad and didn’t speak to each other for days, I always knew that if anything ever went down with me, it would always be Nicki who had my back FIRST!

I cried on the plane ride home, thinking of my cousin and all of the things I never had a chance to say to her and never had a chance to do with her. I cried for her mother, who along with losing her only daughter, has recently began her fight with the devil’s lie that is breast cancer…not to mention her over 30 year fight with a mother who continues, even in adulthood, to belittle and berate my auntie. (Side note: Wanda is my aunt by love not blood…it is Nicki’s father who is my blood uncle, as he is the brother of my father.)

But I know that Wanda is A-OK! Just talking to her made me see that she is soooooo conscious, one of the most conscious and aware people that I have ever met! She is an inspiration to me…mother of three, recovered crack addict, strong strong woman who is entering into life as a new person with every step she takes. I love you, Wanda…my dear auntie! Keep living, Lady…your life has just begun!

My aunt Wanda

And to my sweet cousin, the voices of Mariah Carey and Boyz II Men ring in my ear as they sing:

Sorry I never told you
All I wanted to say
And now it’s too late to hold you
‘Cause you’ve flown away
So far away

Never had I imagined
Living without your smile
Feeling and knowing you hear me
It keeps me alive
Alive

And I know you’re shining down on me from heaven
Like so many friends we’ve lost along the way
And I know eventually we’ll be together
One sweet day

Eventually I’ll see you in Heaven…

***

Just as Wanda is an inspiration to me, her only daughter April Nicole inspires me as well! She always had a positive outlook on life, no matter how dark the days may seem! Through all of her hard times, she always managed to smile and make others smile with her sense of humour and all out warm-heartedness! She never had any fears…she was never even afraid of the demon who took her life. Even when faced with threats, she continued on each day as a hard worker at Mobile Infirmary (where her co-workers ADORED HER) and as a loving and dedicated mother to her three beautiful children, Ketrick, Devontae, and Deandra!

She was always the one we never worried about…because we all just KNEW that she would be alright. But I suppose that God felt that His angel had suffered enough during her time in this gutted world…and decided to bring her on home…and you know what? I ain’t even mad at Him!

But I WILL miss my cousin and yet, as my mother said, it is a bittersweet tribute to Nicki that we couldn’t view her in death…that way, we will always remember her in LIFE…LIVING! I love you, April Nicole Cunningham, and I forgive you…and I love you more…and I always will! See you in Heaven, sweet soul! Hold it down!

“WE LOVE YOU, NICKI!!”

Signed,

THE FAM!

***

ON A BRIGHTER NOTE: CLICK ON THE LINK BELOW TO VIEW THE VIDEO FOR NICKI’S FAVORITE SONG! EVERY TIME I LISTEN TO IT, I THINK OF MY COUSIN…AND I CAN HEAR HER SINGING IT WITH THAT CUTE VOICE OF HERS! THIS SONG WILL FOREVER BE KNOWN TO ME AS: “Nicki’s Anthem”!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mEM1RuiyUGA

…God better yet…I want to make sure of how to keep other’s painbodies, or “DEMONS” from latching on to me! Lord, I need to be able to feel at peace no matter where I am…but at the same time I still want my own peaceful sanctuary outside of my home. I realize that there are some places I may have to stop visiting…too dark…I need to be surrounded by light at all times!

Lord, just help me to break free from ALL of my attachments. You know what they are. I’m very thankful for the transformation I’m going through right now. But I still need strength and guidance in dealing with painbodies, particularly others.

Note: if you don’t know what painbodies are, pick up Eckhart Tolle’s “A New Earth: Awakening to Your Life’s Purpose”…he breaks it down very well!

I am in a room with a person performing a very animated demonstration and spirited lecture on how cool it would be to bring “four ruthless crackheads” over to Doha to “wipe it out”…his excitement about the fact that there are no security cameras in some banks here disturbs me…he made me think of Nafiza Ziyad…he exhibited many of the same characteristics displayed by Nafiza in her rant on the Marta train: showing signs of ignorance, misguided upbringing, belligerence, deeply deeply unconscious…

And ironically, (in keeping with the teachings of Eckhart) earlier he (the performer) gave a small speech on how “time is of the essence”…”time, time, time, time, time,” he said…”time”…the ego’s best friend.

How badly I wanted to tell him that TIME is a GHOST…an illusion…a haunting presence sent to steal, kill and destroy all opportunities for peace in the NOW (Aaah, Kristen is moving into the Now…adios, earthlings!) …but I am not yet conscious enough, not yet fully present to deal with such a deeply unconscious person.

I know, I know…”not yet” implies time..and right now I am very present…and that’s all that matters. I guess these moments in the darkness are necessary for me to be able to feel the difference between a soothing stillness and an atmosphere contaminated by noise.

And I don’t mean background noise, such as music, television or talking…but the noise of the clash of incompatible life energy frequencies…you hear it and feel it from the inside…and there is no remote to lower the volume…and if there is one (which I know it is), I know not now how to access it.

But still, I thank you, Lord, for completing me…more and more although I can be no more…moment by moment…Amen!!

 (This post was copied from a journal entry written on August 14, 2008 )

The following is a copy of an entry I wrote in my journal on August 13, 2008. Thought I’d share:

This is a free verse on the new perspective that I have gained over the past few days…reading definitely IS fundamental…especially when God sends His vessels to deliver His message…via authors, writiers, spiritual teachers, shedding new light on the eternal blessing of Being!

I have learned that we waste too much time living through time…being so heavily caught up in the “stories” of our past and our “hopes” for the future…missing out on all of the glory and wonder right before our eyes…better yet…resonating from within ourselves!

There is such a profound liberation in realizing that all we are and all that we’ll ever be is this very moment…and this one…and this one…for eternity…in realizing that we are beacons of light, gliding through the darkness, shining on everything around us!

We are the sunshine, we are the moon, we ARE the light of this world. The day when we all will wake up? Not of my concern…but for each one that becomes down for the cause, 1,000,000 will rise up…the Love Revolution is in our hands…I’m about the light the bomb in 5…4…3…2…