My Smile for the Evening

(This is a blog from my Myspace account that I posted back in 2006…sweet times…made me smile!)

Sunday, October 01, 2006

I feel better…for now…   Okay, so after yesterday’s rant some of you may be wondering what the final outcome was… Well, first I spent the entire day pouting and replaying visions of his eyes (my beautiful brown eyes) on those women in my mind…in between the pouting and mind reenactments, I wrote a nasty blog about it in which I called him several dirty names… Then he came online and I tried everything in my power to ignore the little orange light at the bottom of my screen…I was still blogging when he sent the first instant message and I didn’t want to talk to him until after he read what I had to say about the situation… So he read it…he said it was beautiful…and expressed his mock approval with me sharing the story with the whole world…ha! Now ordinarily, after I write about something and get all of the anger or sadness off of my chest, I feel better…and he knows this so he assumed that after my verbal assault on his mental, things were peachy king between us… I just couldn’t let it go that easily… I mean, I didn’t even get a good look at the girls…they could have been missing their front teeth for all I know…but this whole thing really fucked with me and after a lot of self evaluation, I figured out why… I haven’t been in a serious relationship in ages…and the reason I haven’t been in a serious relationship in ages (or serious relationship PERIOD for that matter) is because I went through that disgusting cycle of giving myself to assholes who didn’t give a good got damn about me. First was the sad period of naivety where I pretended to be blind to the bullshit…then came the numbness where I was so used to the bullshit (and the pain that came along with it) that I just said fuck it and went along with it. Then I just completely shut down and made a conscious decision to keep my heart locked away for all eternity…never to resurface for fear that it will be trampled again… I kept my heart locked away for 5 years… Then this guy comes along and treats me in a way that I have never been treated in my life. He looks at me in a way I have never been looked in…he talks to me in a way I have never been talked to…he makes me feel a way I have never felt…he does things that have never been done…he loves me…the real me…the true me…the good me…the bad me…the many me… And for the longest I pushed him away and pushed him away…not because I was worried that he would hurt me…but because my heart was so damaged that I feared that there was no more feeling inside and that therefore, it was a great possibility that I would hurt him… And if I hurt someone like him…I wouldn’t be able to live with myself… But over time I realized that I would never again in my life find another person like him…I remember the very first words he spoke to me, on that drunken night at the Cloud Nyn: “Where the hell did YOU come from?” Like I was an angel that had just fallen out of the sky…or an alien fresh off the spaceship…I don’t know…he was drunk…I was more drunk…who knows… But I prayed about this man and I asked God to allow me to love him…to open my heart to him…to be the one for him…if this was His will for me… And I tell you all…it happened overnight…I mean, I started feeling that I was falling in love with him a while back but after I talked to God about it, its like He sent Cupid down to kick me in my ass and tell me to jump up on this love thing before I spend the rest of my life in misery! So now we’re on this whole telling each other “I love you” when we part, locking arms when we walk in public, rubbing legs under the dinner table, taking dirty pictures in the bedroom…you know, that old chestnut… But then I caught him the first time…looking at a woman…a woman that I spotted first…a beautiful woman…and I kept it to myself… I caught him a couple more times…I kept it to myself… Then one day we were riding in the car and I brought this subject up…I do believe I discussed his bullshit excuse in the previous blog… SO, this time when I caught him again…when I saw MY EYES looking at these little chickens…I just flamed up! And the next day while I was sitting and sulking, all the old feelings that I felt when I was played by the assholes of my past…these feelings just overcharged me…all these imaginings came to my mind… “What is he thinking when he looks at her?” “Does he think she is (as Malik says) more aesthetically pleasing than me?” “I shouldn’t have cut my hair…” “Who else does he look at this way?” “Let me go and look at his myspace friends…” “I better NOT see another picture comment!” Just fucking crazy, I know! So then I began to wonder if I was really ready for this relationship like I thought I was. I thought because I kept my heart packed away for so long that it became stronger…but this situation and the fact that it hurt my feelings the way it did only showed me that I am not as strong as I think I am… So then I thought about breaking up with him…I asked my girl friend if I should and of course being a fan of his she told me hell no! (And by fan, I mean supporter…my friends have been rooting for him for the longest!) So I sat and sulked some more…poured me a glass of wine…took a shower…put on a movie about someone whose life is more fucked up than mine… Then he called me… I wasn’t going to answer…I wasn’t ready to talk… “Hello?” “I want to see you…” “Sigh…” I wasn’t ready to see him…I was still mad dammit! It took him an hour to show up…I began to text him a message telling him that he shouldn’t come…that I need a few days away from him… The phone rang… “I’m downstairs…” “Sigh…” He comes in…I say nothing…he apologizes…I say nothing…he tells me it meant nothing…I say nothing…he apologizes again…I begin to cry (I was waiting for these tears all day)…he apologizes again and again…I cry more and more…he asks me why I am crying…I say nothing…I can’t…he tells me to look at him…I can’t…he begins to kiss me…I can’t kiss him back…he asks me to talk to him…I can’t… I pour another glass of wine…he keeps asking me to talk to him…I try…I sip my wine… I say nothing…he begins to get frustrated…I sip my wine…I try… “I…I guess…I guess I am just not ready for this…” “Ready for what?” “This…” I point at the two of us… He gets more frustrated… “Well, what do you want me to do?” I shrug…he begins to fidget in frustration…he gets up to leave… “You know what? Just sip your wine and sleep…call me if you need anything…” He walks toward the door…I put my face in my hands… “Is there anything you need before I go?” I begin to bawl…he walks over to me and asks me what the fuck is wrong with me now…I bawl…he sighs…he says that maybe its better for me to cry; maybe its what I needed (he’s right)…I cry…he reiterates that this look means nothing to him; that he looks at everyone, male, female, old and young…I cry…he tells me that he has put to much time into claiming me for himself to throw it all away by looking at some woman…I say nothing…I continue to cry…he tells me that I bring him up just by being next to him and that most of the time when he is looking, it is to see who is looking back; who is seeing what he is showing off… I say nothing…my crying begins to subside…he brings me a tissue…he tells me that he was just telling someone how tough I was and here I am crying…I stop crying…he asks me how many glasses of wine I’ve had…I smile… I take a deep breath…I explain to him the emotions that went through my head as I sat and sulked all day…he tells me he understands but it is not a good enough reason to break up with him and that I should be 100% confident that he will never hurt me…I believe him… I begin to feel better… He smells of cigarettes and shisha…I tell him he stinks…he proceeds to rub his funk all over me…I’m laughing again… He suggests a shower…I think it is a good idea…he suggests I join him…I think its an even better idea…I can kiss him now…and I do… We get in the shower…and wash the day away… I sleep like a baby… I was late for work this morning… I’m smiling again…